Hehe... I have faced many things over the past few days and now, I see more to me.
Let me explain my weird title first.
For the longest time, since I can remember, I have been hiding in a shell of my own creation. The cold and seemingly intimidating (If you knew me in real life) me was a facade that became a mask that I could not take off. I was clueless and let this grapple onto my life and send me through depression and sadness. I may not seem like it most of the time, but I care a lot for others (friends or not). This mask I wore endured a lot and has helped me in a lot of ways, letting me act more like a grown up. But what I didn't notice was the side-effects that were happening to me. My mask numbed my sense of joy, pride, confidence and even creativity and was controlling them via self-harm thoughts and some mental philosophy (like my work is utter trash regardless of what I do as it is never good enough). After going through this cycle, someone has helped me to see the light. Someone saw through my mask and shown me the path. And I now know what was wrong and how it went so wrong.
It all started back when I was about 6 or 8 years old and that was when I first experienced betrayal. People whom I thought were friends stabbed me in the back and since then, I have lost my ability to trust anyone. I made sure to never share anything that I value and would always demand that they share something of equal value before I would even consider. This led to my childhood being cut short. Due to my lack of trust, I feel like the world was on the offensive and wanted to attack me at every turn. I was easily angered and threw tantrums, that... scared away everyone I knew. Nobody would want to be friends with such an explosive person and that was when I was truly alone. My childhood ended there, with barely any happy memories.
One night around that time, I got a hard slap from reality when my own mother told me that my behavior is terrible and that she actually hates me. That was the breaking point for me. I had been pondering the thoughts of suicide for a long time since I was left alone and that almost threw me off the edge. I can still remember the hate I carried, the hate for everyone and everything for being happy while I suffered in neglect. The kitchen knife always looked tempting to just take it and do something that I will regret. I blame the world and also, myself. I have always been a very emotionally sensitive person. A few more days after that hard slap, I decided to kill my inner child, so that all of its sensitivities, disillusions and feeling of neglect would die with it, and so it was done and in its place, was the mask I mentioned earlier.
Then came the next few years of my life, and the death of my inner child proved to be the 'right' move. People, though still put off, did became friends with me. I always kept less than 10 friends and avoided any unnecessary need to socialize. I honestly thought it worked and that my sensitivities are best forgotten. But then came the side-effects that I only now know of, I was easily disinterested in something. I hated taking pictures (hating my own face). I am very boring and depressing. I don't seem to even try to be nice. I was always left to my own devices so I can study in school in peace. I still hated betrayals and I would instantly revoke my friendship with anyone at the slightest provocation. I was easily bored so I started to try and spice things up in my life then a sort of fear takes over and I just stop and drop it before I even went through with it. My view of the world 'attacking' me has died off as I made friends. My feelings of loneliness and neglect and distrust lingered still and it was starting to hurt me emotionally. Every day I felt a strain on my own heart and it seems like I have been suppressing a lot of things.
Fast forward to now, I started to draw and what started out from drawing Eevees, became a personal project to find myself. I drew many characters and each one was subconsciously a part of me. Little did I know was that it was all small pieces to what I was really doing to myself. I thought I was just drawing the masks I wear but now that I know about my impressionable personality. I saw something deeper to my drawings.
I have been thrown around a lot in just a few years and I am forced to adapt to a lot of conditions. Developed from my transition from primary to secondary education, I have a very impressionable personality. I use this to help me adapt to situations that are extremely new to me or that I am afraid. I usually mimic that most popular or generally liked student in my own way and that has led to me having many personas. My masks are fakes and they can never measure up to the real thing. Then, it hit me. Why did I have such a personality to begin with? It was to protect my inner child. I thought I killed it but it seems it survived but in fragments. I had the wrong idea of what really happened on the night I thought I killed my inner child, it just built up defenses. The part of me that cares for others really deeply never faded, it simply hid away and came out from time to time.
I am not sure if this makes sense to anyone but this is my story and now I am on the road to recovering the pieces and hopefully getting my sense of passion and joy back. I hope I am not wrong as this journey was really difficult, I fought depression head on and came out alive, I even doubt that I will fully recover as this was part of growing up and having a completely recovery means reverting back to a child mind. I guess that is enough of an explanation to as much as I feel that is important to share.